Honestly, what the fuck am I even doing anymore, why am I even wasting my time waiting for you to come around? Especially since there is somebody willing to try something with me, like why do I even bother trying to establish something with you? For the first time I’m starting to see the real you and let me tell you, you have never looked more pathetic, my dear.

Today, I couldn’t shake the feeling of getting up and living. It’s like, I don’t want to be here and yet I keep on waking up day after day after day and I just couldn’t handle it today. I don’t know, I can’t explain it. I feel a bit better though. Especially since I’ve been talking to somebody I can relate to, for the past 3 months I’ve been getting to know this boy, Buddy. We’re planning on meeting up sometime this summer :) I honestly can’t wait and he doesn’t live that far away. He lives exactly 2 hours and 13 minutes away, totally worth it.

It’s funny, how you can look back at a chapter in your life and just reminisce for a moment on it all. I miss real laughter, real smiles, just…real emotions I used to have. Remembering these moments actually made me smile, but this was followed by tears because I realize that those memories are never coming back. Over the last two years, the world has changed me, these people have changed me and I just don’t like the person I’ve become now. I was better off when I hit rock bottom with my addictions, I at least had a real smile on my face and didn’t feel sorry for myself. I didn’t feel alone in a room filled with my friends, but now everything they say seems meaningless to me. I’ve felt nothingness for such a long time and I’m ready to be the person I used to be and fill that void. Self destruction, my old friend, it’s nice to see you again.